Ordinary fool

Xardos was miserable today. He suffers from depression when his blood-sugar gets too low. I had promised to take him out for breakfast but I didn't stop working on the damned novel until about midday. Eventually he snapped. I quickly took him out for tea and mushrooms on toast but he didn't speak again until this evening. Finally he said, "I'm hungry". The only food in the house was a can of duck confit and haricot beans. When I tried to open the can, the can opener succumbed to metal fatigue. With Xardos prowling and scowling I took to the can with a hammer and screwdriver.

For reasons unknown I was reminiscing today about my Intermediate School years. Intermediate School is what New Zealanders call the dislocating experience of a wholly separate school for children aged eleven and twelve. I remember Ms Burke, my Form One teacher. I remember her hippie appearance: wild red hair, wild eyes, and her orange cable knit jersey that offered little support to her otherwise unsupported breasts. I admired her, but feared her occasionally violent mood swings.

One day, instead of normal lessons, she taught the class a salient lesson in the effect, and effectiveness, of the media. She asked the class a simple question about a recent war. It was 1982. I was an 11 year old boy, and a voracious reader in the field of war machines. I thought I knew it all. I knew about B-52s and battleships, napalm and NORAD. However, Ms Burke asked us, "Who won the Vietnam war?". Hmmm. Actually, I didn't know that. I wisely kept quiet and left it up to another 11-year-old to venture tentatively, "America?". No. "The United States of America?", asked another 11-year-old, who understood the difference. No.

What followed made it clear Ms Burke had anticipated our response. She proceeded to harangue us with a precursor of the conversation (here's the audio) between Archie (John Cleese) and Otto (Kevin Kline) in A Fish Called Wanda:

Otto: We did not lose Vietnam. It was a tie.
Archie [going into a cowboy-like drawl]: I'm tellin' ya baby they kicked your little ass there. Boy, they whooped your hide REAL GOOD!
Otto: No they didn't.
Archie: Oh yes they did.
Otto: Oh, no they didn't.
Archie: Oh yes they did.
Otto: Oh, no they... Shut up!

I was shocked, but I knew immediately that Ms Burke had done me a great favour. Thus it was easier in 1991, when I found another long-held (mis-)belief challenged. In the late seventies and early eighties I had grown up watching the news. Over the years I'd got it into my head that Iraq were the good guys, while Iran were the baddies. How? I knew all about war machines. While Iraq fought with western weapons, Iran fought with weapons bought from those dastardly Russians. It had to be that way! No again. By 1991, thanks to Ms Burke, I knew the difference between perception and reality. It made the about-turn brought on by the Gulf War much easier to cope with. So, here's to you Ms Burke, you helped me more than you will know.

P.S. Ms Burke, if you're out there somewhere I have a confession to make. Once, after my Dad had visited Los Angeles, I told you that he had been to a McDonalds and bought "hash" for breakfast. You seemed very excited by this fact, and quizzed me further. "Really?", you asked, breathlessly. I said it was so; after all, my Dad would never lie. Still, you seemed so surprised. Later, when I discovered the difference between "hash" and "hashbrowns", I knew why.

P.P.S. I've just realised what may have caused your mood swings.

16 June 02

Dear Craig,

      How are you.? We hope all is well over there with you.

 We have had about 9" rain over the last 3 weeks. Everything is looking nice and green - but the water storages haven't improved in compacity.

   Jim had another seizure last week 8th Nearly the same time of day + the same thing happened - as the first one on 1st July last year. They (Dr's) still don't know what has caused it. He has to have more Blood Test on the 10 July. His Prostrate reading was abit high + is on Anti-biotics at present. His Cholesterol was up slightly but it's not of any real concern.
He's not playing very good Golf at the moment. In fact, apart from yesterday he hadn't played for 3 weeks.

  He also has to have a hip replacement There will be a wait of 6-12 months as we don't have Private Health Cover.

But the Surgeon to do it is supposed to be the Best here.

     Have inclosed the Birthday Party Invite Eric, Lorna, Betty + Newton McLardy are comming. We're not sure if Chris + Tony + Kelly are comming - Haven't heard from them yet.

Otherwise mainly Freinds around town. I doubt that Jim's Brother Alec, + Sisters Violet + Betty, will bother comming.

    The Grand Kids are all well + growing very fast. + are all active little guys.
Michelle has a job offer in Melbourne (still in Law) + is going to take it. Both her + Carolina are single Women again. Carolina had three weeks with us in April. It was lovely to catch up with her again.

  We've just put new lino (vynal) on the Kitchen + Laundry floor. Looks good. We claimed it on Insurance - so it cost us nothing. also put a good second hand carpet in our Bedroom. (we had it given to us) the other one was getting pretty drab. The guy that done the vynal done the carpet the same day - While Jim was fixing a leak on the roof. He was very tired - as he had had two very busy days - that night (or 12-20AM next morning) was when he had the seizure. (Last Sat.) I got the Ambulance + he was at outpatients till 5AM then came home. He was still very tired for a few days As with last time - nothing showed on all the tests that they done.

     "Whitey" has just put a swimming pool in his front yard. - so the front yard is all pool now. Last Thursday - after his night on the "Grog" (the night before), they were in the pool with the Dogs included. I can see some midnight pool escapades come Summer, after "Grog" Days, comming up.

   Jessica + her Boyfriend have just had a Baby Girl. She's a little "Cutie" they called her Taylar Jane.

     Alec had got an award for good work at shool the other week. Brandan had his 3rd Birthday Party at "Crazy Maze" last Thursday. That's a new Place out near Big "W". - a kids place Tunnels etc a Big Maze. It's quite good for kids under 12. I think Ingrid takes the Boys out there a bit.

   Well that's about it for now.

OH, I think I told you the Pub was building a Motel down the front. - where the flats you Lived in were. - Them, + the house Mrs George Lived in have all gone. the Motel looks like it will be 3 Storeys high.

     Well that's it for now.

   Miss you + Love you always

          xxx  xxxxxx

           Mum + Dad.

        Take Care.

“Is it true that you were crying?”

Laura’s child-like Finnish/English softened a direct question. So she knew. She must have heard the other half of the story already. He figured his best strategy was a dignified martyrdom.

“Well yeah�” He glanced up from his unagi and placed his chopsticks carefully across the rim of bowl. “I mean, I’d only met her the day before, and here she was just going at me with all this stuff about how I was really uptight and that I should relax a bit, you know, get with some European girls, have a bit of fun for a change, that sort of thing. I couldn’t believe it; I’d only just met her.”

He didn’t really like sounding indignant and he knew he’d have to give a balanced presentation if Laura was going to help him feel better about himself.

“I mean she’s great for Craig and they’re so well suited, but I thought she really overstepped the line. She was digging into stuff that I really care about, you know? I mean: stuff that really matters. If anyone went at me with stuff like that I’d probably end up crying.”

Here in the basement Wagamama, Leicester Square, he hoped Laura wasn’t going to test this out.

I hadn't seen Richard for a long time. Last time I remembered seeing him was just before he left New Zealand, singing in the Wellington Anglican Cathedral Choir. I went along one evensong to hear Benjamin Britten's Rejoice in the Lamb. I didn't go to hear Richard particularly, it was more that I really liked the piece of music, and Richard happened to be singing the tenor solo. To be honest I wasn't all that fond of Richard's voice. Like a lot of Cathedral-schooled tenors he sounded a bit nasal and he mangled his vowels, but I wasn't going to risk spoiling our reunion by bringing that up now.

"Oh yeah, I remember singing that, God I haven't sung for years. Speaking of lamb, that's the thing I really miss over here; you can't get decent lamb in restaurants. You know, you go out somewhere like this for a Rogan Josh or something and the sauce is alright but the lamb is all gristly and...", Richard breaks off as a sniffling, rotund Indian man arrives with a couple of steaming copper dishes. "I guess old Benjamin wasn't rejoicing in British lamb eh?"

I ask Richard why he left Wellington. He waits for me to repeat the question with my hands and eyebrows and he says, "OK, well I might as well give you the long story."

He taps the table with the butt end of his fork and I listen to him draw breath between his teeth.

"I came over here to be an actor. I'd done a few shows back in New Zealand and I thought that if I didn't get out there and do it properly I might never know, you know? Pursue the dream and all that. So anyhow, I went to London thinking it would all fall into place but it didn't. I was out there looking for work for a couple of months and I started to think that there was no way those guys down there were going to give a Kiwi a job; so I figured I'd start faking a Scottish accent."

He demonstrates, and actually it isn't too bad.

"I mean no-one knows you here so you can get away with that kind of thing, it's great. Anyhow, I got myself a couple of bit parts, nothing much, just little parts in Eastenders, that sort of thing. Do you watch Eastenders? Do you remember Dougal? Nah, you guys won't have seen it yet being two years behind over there. Anyhow, it wasn't that great but at least I was earning some pounds."

"Now this Scottish accent works just great for a month or so until one day I turn up to audition for one of the BBC's new comedies, I think it was The Vicar of Dibley or something. So I turn up and do my lines and then this director goes that's fine but can you do any accents? We were thinking of making this character antipodean, and I go well yeah I can do Australian or New Zealander, and he goes great, how about you read your lines again with a New Zealand accent. No problem I thought, this is it, this is the break I need. Anyhow, so I read my lines through again, just in my normal voice and this guy turns around and says, well that's not bad but I'm afraid it's not quite authentic enough, thanks for your time today Richard, we'll be in touch. So that was that, I ended up getting into IT and that's what I do now."